Thursday, May 02, 2013

Sometimes Life Bites You in the Backside

     I teach at a nursing school. I love being a nurse educator. It is very time consuming, hence the slow start on the blog. Today, I do not love it. I got assigned a 12 hour shift watching students in OB clinicals. I can't do anything in these clinicals because I am not an OB nurse. However, I am here. I am listening to babies cry, mom's console, and dads wonder if the baby is hungry. I am helping students field questions about why babies won't latch on to a breast, when should we feed him, or how long until my baby arrives. I am helping students care for laboring moms, teaching them to swaddle babies, and generally act like I am enjoying my day. This is how they know me, I love being a nurse.
     I am doing all these things, knowing that God may be saying no to me. That I will never have one of my own. I may never swaddle my own baby, I may never hold a child to my breast and pray we can figure this eating thing out. I may never see the tears that come to my husband's eyes because he is finally a father. My father may never hold a baby of mine with pride, my mother never have the joy of a third grandchild. I may never shop with my family for my own baby furniture. I may never hear the contented sigh of a baby when I snuggle him close. This rotation sucks!! My estimated due date with the twins was less than a month ago, I should be on maternity leave. I shouldn't be here, trying to make nurses happy and like me when I want so much to be anywhere else!!!
     I keep thinking about something I read, "When life is hard and you can't hear God, remember, the teacher is always silent during the test." Somehow, in this moment that isn't all really comforting. Three years of trying to conceive and all I have to show is possible scar tissue from my miscarriage.
     So while everyone complains about the cold weather and the rain moving in and the chances of snow in May, I say bring it on. It matches my mood.