Monday, July 30, 2012

Adoption is Not God's back up plan!

     I will write a post dealing with this subject in much greater detail later. I simply wanted to make a statement today. Adoption is a wonderful thing. As Christians we are told multiple times in the Bible to care for the orphan. However, we are commanded to do this at all times. We are never told to care for the orphan only if you cannot have biological children.
     Well meaning friends and family have very often told us to "get on a list" somewhere, start the adoption process while we try to have children, then interrupt it if I become pregnant. I am often also told that if we will adopt, I will get pregnant afterward. That may be very true. I may adopt and then become pregnant. But the insinuation behind these well meaning comments is that I should adopt as a way to get pregnant with my own child. Again, I realize that people say things as a way to have a conversation because infertility is an awkward subject and many don't know how to respond. So for family and friends of those facing infertility please do not make suggestions to get on a list, or remind the couple that they can always just adopt. Asking tactfully if the couple has thought about adoption is not taboo in my opinion. Simply the suggestion that they move to adoption as a means to increase their fertility or to erase the pain of infertility.
     Adoption is not God's back up plan for those who cannot have children. Adoption is a calling, a desire to take a child into the home and love and care for the child as your own for the rest of your life. This is not something to be done to replace a biological child.
     My husband and I often talk of adopting. When we have these conversations;it is an independent topic. It is not tied to our own fertility. I fully believe that at some point we will bring a child into our home by means of adoption. We do not feel that this is the moment God has for that. We are waiting as patiently for God to give us the go ahead into adoption as we are for him to grant us a biological child. However these children come into our home, they will be ours, wholeheartedly. Neither child will be a consolation prize.


Crooked Covers and a Full Sized Bed

     Previously I made a post about the difference in side effects of Clomid and Femara. I mentioned that the Femara makes me a tad bit more irritable.Well, maybe more than a tad at times.
     When taking Femara, I am constantly hot. I never really cool down. It isn't hot flashes, it is a constant melting point temperature for six to seven days. We were sleeping one night while taking the Femara. My husband sleeping quietly next to me. I have insomnia, so sleeping is always an issue for me. His being able to sleep sometimes irritates me. On this particular night it irritated me so much that I was ready to bash him with a pillow until he couldn't sleep anymore. He turned over and the covers became crooked. At this point I just snapped. I got up, got a drink of water trying to calm down and cool down. It didn't work. I marched right into the bedroom, yanked on the covers to straighten them. This woke my husband, and he says, "Don't tuck in my covers." This prompted me to yank the covers harder, tuck them in tighter and give him a terrible look. I told him I couldn't sleep because they were crooked and that was unacceptable." He then gave me permission to tuck them in and either fell asleep or pretended to sleep. Either way, it was safer for him.
     I would say that it is definite. The Femara makes my irritable. I am so thankful I have a husband who is so very understanding of this!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Sticky Notes

   I am a huge fan of sticky notes. I don't keep a notebook or steno pad to write things down throughout the day at work or keep a running list on some extensive todo list online or on my computer. I use Sticky Notes. I stick 'em to the refrigerator. I stick 'em to my desk and monitor at work. They're on the wall in my office at home. They're everywhere and that's part of the reason that I love them. To sum them up in one word: Versatile.

   Today, I'm giving you an introduction to a new type of post from me which I will be calling, wait for it..., Sticky Notes. These will be little tidbits of wisdom (from a guy's perspective) or what to or not to do while in a situation such as ours.
To start things off right, here is Sticky Note #1.

Don't get overwhelmed!

   At any point in our lives we have the ability to over think and dwell on any given subject and overwhelm ourselves to no avail. Don't do this. Focus on the big picture and always think about the next step, NOT the next seven steps. Seek God to know what the next step is and let him be your guide.

- Him

Friday, July 20, 2012

Waiting Again!

     So, I didn't decide to miss the boat and stay in Belize for a year. I came home. I came home to a less crazy time than I thought I would. My sister did not announce a pregnancy. I had a couple of days to settle in. I kept the hope alive for a while. When the spotting began, I convinced myself that it was implantation bleeding. It was day 28, which was early for me as I normally don't start until day 31. It became clear with in a few hours that I was not pregnant. Now here we are again. We have one more "scheduled night" and then begins the two week wait. I don't know if this cycle will be successful. I have had a few very hopeful feelings, have spent some time looking up diapers, high chairs, and cribs. I have very hopefully gone to a baby boutique with my friend. I am very hopeful for this cycle. I am also afraid of the disappointment if this is unsuccessful.The last few months I have tried very hard to protect my feelings. Maybe I won't have to go through the pain, through the disappointment, through telling my husband that once again my body has failed.
     Yet, I know that even if I do have to go through the above listed things, my husband and I will come through. As the Bible says, who knows if we are here for such time as this. We are being prepared for something, some work, some plan, in which the Lord can work. So as we pray for our child, we pray that our hearts also submit to God's will, not our own. We pray that our hearts can be molded and pliable to God's will. We pray that we can help someone else walking this path.
   So my plan through out my two week wait this time, I will go shopping with my sister, I will eat lunch with my friend, I will swim in my pool, and I will exercise and eat right and take my vitamins. I will stay busy and positive. I will thank the Lord for my many blessings and I will pray that if this is the right time in our lives, I will be pregnant.


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

2nd cycle of Femara. Slightly less crazy than Clomid

    I began my 2nd cycle of Femara this week. I have had a much easier time with the Femara than I did the Clomid for the three cycles I took it. With Femara I do get a bit more irritable but it is for the most part manageable. My husband even agreed last month that Femara was easier to deal with than Clomid. I get hot and stay hot during the cycle with Femara. However I have only had a couple of significant hot flashes, occurring at night with much sweating involved. On Clomid I had many more hot flashes all throughout the day. I do have a low level headache constantly with Femara. I still find this much more manageable than the splitting migraines I got a few times while taking Clomid.
     I have found that I have a lower level of energy than normal while taking the Femara. This, again compared to Clomid is negligible. I have not noticed any more aches or pains than aside from the persistent headache. I manage this by taking two naproxen (Aleve) when I take the Femara. This seems to help. I then take acetaminophen (Tylenol) or ibuprofen (Advil) during the day if needed.I have also not noticed and gastrointestinal upset with this medication. 
     I am more irritable than normal while taking the Femara, I am not however, as emotionally unstable as I was on Clomid. I have not been more tearful or had my feelings hurt any more than normal. I have simply found that my tolerance for any rudeness, thoughtlessness, or out right stupidity is severely lowered. I did have to remind my husband that I was on this medication and these five days might not be the best time be aggravating. (He enjoys picking at me at different times.)
     All in all Femara has been a much easier experience. I sincerely hope there will not be a post about a third cycle of Femara. Each cycle past my laparoscopy makes it more likely my endometriosis is returning. I hope and pray that soon there is a little person growing in my uterus.


Side Effects

Anyone that has taken medicine knows that with every medication comes a long list of possible side effects. Tylenol alone has about a million (of course I'm exaggerating).

Well, since the wifey is/has been taking those fertility drugs (clomid, femara, etc.), I thought I'd go over a few of the things that have affected her. I'm not one for being too long winded so I figured I'd just make a list and maybe I'll update it if other drugs are used in the future (let it be known that I'd love for that to be completely unnecessary).

By all means, know that the following list and the descriptions within it are not meant to harm or disrespect anyone, but to inform others (I love you honey).

  • Clomid

    • Mood Swings:

      The clomid mood swings can only be compared to a roller coaster. She's up... then down... then kinda sideways with a side of loop-de-loop. We could both tell when it was happening. I tried to be as supportive as possible and she tried to control it the best she could. I think I can say that we made the best of it when it happened.

    • Hot Flashes:

      I remember exactly when the first one happened. We were at McCalister's having lunch and before my eyes her whole face turned beet red and she started taking off as many articles of clothing as she could without being indecent. I laughed. She laughed. The ones to follow weren't as memorable, but she definitely had a lot of them.

    • Emotional Crises:

      I don't think these really need much explanation. There were a lot of hugs and a lot of tears, but she got through them.

  • Femara

    • Increased Body Temperature:

      On a regular day that wife of mine is very cold natured. She can't sleep without being covered up. It could be 75 degrees in the house and she'll have a blanket spread over her while she's watching tv. BUT, while she's taking the Femara it's completely opposite. I do not look forward to wearing a snow suit year round when she goes through menopause.

    • Irritability:

      Of course, I can't blame it all on the meds, but I can definitely tell that there is a difference in my lovely lady's "me tolerance" during the week she takes the Femara.

I'm very proud of her for the way she's been able to deal with the changes that have been taking place within her due to the prescriptions that she's had to take. I can't imagine going through any of this with any other woman.


Thursday, July 05, 2012

I choose God.

   The first cycle after surgery and with Femara has proven unsuccessful. I am feeling all the emotions that come with an unsuccessful cycle. I also declared today a taking care of me day. I have watched my favorite episodes of Dawson's Creek, enjoyed a caffeine free diet Coke, and will shortly be taking a long hot bath. I have cried. I have prayed. I have wished we were still on vacation. I have also read and re-read Proverbs 31:25. God led me to this verse last night before my period started. I am hurting and I am sad but I am striving to be the woman clothed in strength and dignity and I am striving to be the woman who can laugh at the future with out fear. Whether or not my dreams for a child of my own will ever be fulfilled does not change the life that God has blessed me with. I have a wonderful husband to share this future with. I have family and friends and home to call my own. My husband and I have groceries on our table and clean water to drink. We have a multitude of blessings and I continue to choose faith in God over despondency. I took my "mental health" day and tomorrow I wake up to a new day in a new cycle. This could be the one.......