Thursday, June 21, 2012

I am a mess today!

     Something my husband and I agree on is being real. I don't want to come off as this couple that has it all together and never hurts or becomes angry because it feels as though God is listening to everyone else or maybe he just got confused and gave the wrong person the baby. I don't want to come off that way because we are certainly not. I am certainly not that woman. I woke up a mess today and it hasn't changed through out the day. When I woke up this morning all that was running through my mind was how we have one more scheduled day to have sex and then I begin the two week wait to see if I am pregnant. We are going on vacation this week and I was really hoping that the time away would make this two weeks easier for me. However, the universe has decided that this should not be. I can't use scopalomine (motion sickness medicine) as it is a Category C ( has shown studies in animals to be harmful to fetuses). So, I may well spend my cruise throwing up and being a terrible disappointment to my husband. I am praying this is not the case. And while the larger part of me knows it doesn't work this way, a small voice keeps saying, "He hasn't given you the child you have been praying for, why would a little motion sickness bother him." Again, I know that there are greater tragedies in the world than my not being able to conceive and being sick during vacation but this crap is painful to my husband and I. Once in a while, we feel that pain very acutely.
     I realized while pulling my hair into a pony tail this morning that my sister ( also trying to conceive and a longer story than I want to go into today) goes to the lab to have an hcg drawn on the 26th. This happens before I get back from vacation. So my vacation could possibly come to a close with the news that my sister is having her second child. There are so many emotions tied to this that I can't possibly discuss it all with out sounding like a bitter, mean, selfish person. And maybe today that is what I am. I have been talking to my heavenly Father today, following the example of those in the bible. I have told him my true feelings of hurt, betrayal, sadness, and grief. I have told Him I remember all my blessings and the times He has come through for me. I have also reminded myself and Him that I will continue to serve him no matter what happens here, but that I will need a lot of help and strength because alone I am simply not capable of withstanding this possible blow. I have conceded that his plans and sovereignty are beyond my capability to understand and will settle for comfort. I have discussed with him my confusion as to why my husband and I waited until we had degrees, good jobs, insurance, and a happy marriage only to be denied what we have so diligently been preparing for.
     I face the knowledge that now that my sister has begun a journey of clomid ( however ill advised for her situation) and I may come home after years of trying with my spouse only to start my period and hear my sister is pregnant all within a week. I have to admit that this makes me want to miss boarding the ship and spend the next year in Belize paddling a kayak around the reef, jumping out to snorkel. Or move to Maine and buy a house on the coast. It seems that in my mind the ocean's tides bring healing. In my mind time stops when I can hear the ebb and flow of the water against the sand or rocks. It brings a comfort that I find no where else. Maybe this is because when standing next to the ocean, its vastness and immense power reveal to me the power of my God. In this revelation I find peace. God is greater than my problems and pain and there, at the water I can see him in a way I simply do not in my every day life. I realize this doesn't make a lot of sense. That is ok.
     The knowledge that this month is our greatest chance of conceiving after having surgery and that with each successive month the chances get smaller makes this month weigh heavy on me. There is a lot of pressure. Adding to all of that is the endless stream of comments such as,"just relax" and "If you will just get drunk and have sex it will happen."  These things make life a little harder. I know these are well meaning people who want to help but it is so frustrating. These comments put the blame on me and I really don't need any help with that.
     I also know that I may well come home and be pregnant. This would be wonderful for my husband and I. This rough day in which I have been a mess hasn't convinced me that this is impossible. It is just a day when reality has slapped me in the face. Here is hoping to a more emotionally stable day tomorrow.

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